Choosing our words wisely

everybody doesn’t need to know what you’re thinking or feeling all the time.

Communication is an art, or a dance, where we consistently push and pull, navigating being heard and understood while also trying our best to stay considerate and kind to the person we are trying to communicate with. Sometimes, we must choose our words wisely and not let all of our emotions come out of our mouths.

Something I have always felt proud of is my excellent ability to communicate, but it hasn’t been until recently that I have realized that my communication abilities still have a long way to go.

Yes, I’m very organized and in tune with my emotions and have the ability to go over my “I feel” statements, but one aspect of communication that I have found I’m still trying to navigate is that less is more. Not everything that comes to your mind needs to be said. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

As someone who is a verbal processor, I have always felt insecure about how much I talk. I often say things out loud to other people that I wish I was just saying inside my own head. Diagnosed with ADHD, it’s often easiest for me to stay on task if I say things out loud, and receiving confirmation from others when making decisions perpetuates my habit of verbal processing. Whether I’m solely thinking of what I want to do with my day or am having an anxiety spiral of emotions, much of the time these ideas in my brain are shared with the people I surround myself with.

I certainly do have a way with words though. When I put a pen to paper and am present, I can immediately come up with a poem that makes you feel a connection. I can spitfire a rhythm in an instant, ctreating a song or a silly freestyle rap, and when a friend needs someone to talk to, I always know the right thing to say. Words are everything, whether they have a positive impact or they create conflict. And the art of communication is the same exact thing.

Oftentimes, the idea of “communication” can be associated with resolving a conflict or avoiding a conflict. It helps create boundaries and clarity when navigating life, work, relationships, and daily tasks. Communication is necessary, but as someone who has always been labeled as a good communicator, I’m leaning more toward this new idea that less is more and that maybe I have been over-communicating my whole life. Maybe there is so much more I can improve on when it comes to communication.

Maybe not everyone needs to hear all my ideas all the time. Maybe I don’t need to over-explain or repeat myself, and maybe not every little thing needs an explanation. But when you have had the same patterns your whole life, it can be really challenging to make that change.

I am currently working on making this switch and damn, it is hard. I know I won’t be perfect, and I know my brain is wired a certain way, so all the hopes and dreams of being an intentional and observant speaker are probably going to go out the door. But one thing that has helped me become more intentional with my words is to; pause before I speak.

Nowadays, I will often take a pause and think to myself, “is this comment absolutely necessary? Is this worth it? Is this effective communication?” Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no. If I am navigating a hard conversation with someone, the communication comes naturally to me and it flows right through me, but the times when I over-communicate or say something that doesn’t need to be said are the times where I’m working on pausing and thinking more before I speak.

Now I’m not writing this all down to try and shame myself for talking too much, over-communicating, or putting myself down. I am putting this into the world as a reminder for myself, and for others, that the dance of communication is a lot more challenging than we think. I do label myself as a good communicator, but there is so much more to communication in the subconscious that we can tap into to make our relationships and life feel stronger and more secure than before.

So this specific side of communication—the idea that “less is more”—is the approach I’m leaning toward these days. I’m using this not only during times when I’m comforting a friend or during conflict resolution; I’m using it more during times when I am connecting my emotions too much to something someone else said or did that is very small and insignificant in the big picture. My over-communication and verbal processing can be an excellent tool at times, but at other times, it’s my worst enemy.

My biggest takeaway from this new practice is:

Everybody doesn’t need to know what you’re thinking or feeling all the time.

So now, when someone says or does something I don’t agree with or don’t like, I try my best to pause and think before I speak. When someone does something that triggers something inside me, I reflect before I say anything. My biggest question to myself is, “Is it worth it?” If the answer is “no,” I carry on without saying anything at all. If the answer is “yes,” that means there is a reason that I should respond to what was said or the current situation.

Communicating is hard. Sometimes no words at all have more power than saying a lot of words. And no words at all may be the best way to resolve something or avoid more conflict. Oftentimes, when something is said and no words are responded back, there is less emotion attached because the lack of words and the silence in the air tells you everything. It tells both parties to move on. Or if something is said or done that the speaker or doer had no idea affected you, take a minute to think if what they did was actually wrong or if you’re just reacting to it solely based on your own emotions.

So as we navigate this dance—the dance of our words and how we communicate with others—I encourage those of you who are more quiet and observant, who may hold back, to speak up more. Because most of the time, the words you share have more power than you realize. And I encourage the ones who speak a lot, who have so many good words to say, to hold back a bit and pause before you speak, because maybe the less you say will have more impact than all the explaining you can ever do.